In compliance with Brandon’s wishes, I now present my seven hypothetical (for now) horcruxes. I tried to spread these out across the different stages of my life, but the majority of them come from the past decade. This seems fitting, seeing as how life really doesn’t begin until you’re ten anyway.
First Pair of Shoes
My first pair of shoes were bronzed and made into bookends when I was a child. For years they were displayed prominently on my bookshelf, until they disappeared in the confusion that was moving to Belgium. But did they really disappear, or were they hidden with a piece of my soul?
Victim: Jake Dewey, my childhood best friend. Keep in mind, this (fictional?) Ryan is quite evil and wouldn’t think twice about killing those who were previously close to him.
Beth Action Figure
This was a present from Brandon given to me on my 13th Birthday. It symbolizes the entity of Beth, a creation infinitely more detailed and fun than our OM presentation that year. This horcrux will represent my junior high years and the beginnings of the modern-day Perfects.
Victim: Kistenmacher. There were three people that were really behind the rise and fall of The Wood’s favorite mythical entity, and Ryan seems to be the weakest, magically. It was either him or Brandon, and, let’s face it, Brandon is practically level 5235 when it comes to sorcery.
You can’t have a list of horcruxes without including at least one ring. It has my name engraved on the inside, which might make it a bit too obvious for a horcrux, but it doesn’t really matter. This ring has three landmarks from Brussels, which will represent my entire time abroad.
Victim: Mr. McAdams, my 11th grade physics teacher. I hated this man more than any teacher I’ve ever had in my entire life. He completely deserves his fictional death by Avada Kedavra.
Map of the World
This is the map in cork board above my desk that chronicles every place I have been. It would be vital to anyone who wants to trace my past, but it’s size would prevent it from being easily transported. I would use magic on the map so that you can only ever see one location in front of where you currently are. In other words, if you were in Houston, it would only show you the pin for another Texas town (such as Austin). This would require you to completely trace my steps in order to find all of the horcruxes. Additionally, you would not be able to destroy the map until you discovered the other six items.
Victim: Brandon, because he is the resident geography expert and could probably retrace most of my steps without the help of the map. Plus, aren’t there enough gays already?
Eagle Scout Medal
Did I mention that I’m an Eagle Scout? I basically chose this because it looks cool, and is relatively small. There would be no way to distinguish it from the millions of other medals, however, which would make the quest far too difficult and realistic. I’d have to find a way to make it unique, so Harry could find it before the end of book 7.
Victim: Wally, the annoying little brat from troop 870 who couldn’t even tie his own shoes! If, for some reason, I take pity on the kid, his replacement would easily be Mr. Cross.
This is an embosser that has my name and a special design on it. The design is in the front of every book I own, because I’m a huge nerd. In order to destroy this horcrux you must use it to emboss the most pretentious book ever written (finding that is part of the challenge).
Victim: Katie. Easy.
Like in the Harry Potter series, at least one of the horcruxes should be a living thing. If you’re searching for immortality, there’s no better host than the Rolling Stones’ guitarist. There is seemingly nothing on earth that can kill this man, so good luck finding a drug that can do the trick.
Who: Mick Jagger? Worst comes to worst, this one can just be a random muggle.