I think if I ever had my own country, I would refuse to abide by the current man-made rules of time.  This would begin with a refusal to recognize Daylight Savings Time, and would probably culminate in the development of my own calendar.

So what did everyone dress up as this weekend?  I didn’t get dressed up because I couldn’t find a way to effectively translate my pretentiousness into a costume.  Early ideas included: Hume’s single-sentence refutation of Descartes’ 3rd Meditation, George Edward Moore’s “Here is a hand” argument, and predicate logic.  I was going to show up to the Haunted Housewarming as “Post” Modernism, with ‘Modern” spelled out on Post-It notes, but it was so clever that I decided to stay home and study.

Pretentious 17th century French joke of the day: (Summarized from Moliere’s La Malade Imaginaire)
First doctor: Most esteemed bachelor, why does opium have a sleep inducing quality?
Argan: Because it has a virtus dormitiva that stupefies the senses.

Hopefully everyone has seen Brandon’s Pluto Memorial pumpkin; it’s one of the best things he’s ever done.  I’m convinced that there is a market out there for Pluto grief counseling.  You could start up some support groups, sell them Pluto-themed merchandise and make a fortune.

My name is Ryan Ward and I endorse this site.

SNL was pretty good this week.  I enjoyed Hugh Laurie (maybe I’ll actually watch House now), and thought Beck was great.  However, they announced that they will be showing a Best of Darrell Hammond episode soon, which seems a little premature.  Best of episodes should only occur after a cast member has left the show.  Maybe this is SNL’s way of telling Darrell Hammond that he is about 20 years too old for their program.  He’s on track to double the record for longest tenure, and probably won’t leave without a fight.

We should go out to a fancy dinner, where we have to get dressed up and make reservations.  Okay?  Good, just call me.

Compassionate moment of the week: Leahanne has to take 20 hours next semester in order to graduate.  I sincerely feel sorry for her, and hope that it doesn’t drive her to a mental breakdown.  She should seriously consider spreading it out a bit, and graduating at the end of the summer.  Regardless, I don’t think I’ll be seeing much of her for the next year.

Scrubs reruns on NBC are better than any of the new shows they are airing.  That said I am loving 30 Rock. Tracey Morgan is surprisingly funny, and Alec Baldwin can seriously do no wrong.  His Hannibal Lecter was one of the best things I’ve seen on network TV in years.

Richard Dreyfuss is coming to give a lecture this week, which should be interesting.  He doesn’t have the mass appeal that some of our past speakers have had, but it’ll still be cool to meet him.

Pictures later…maybe.

I have nothing to do at work, so I thought I would try to start writing another update.  I was inspired by Brandon and his website ending their separation, and moving on to the amazing make-up updating.  His pictures of the day for October have been pretty incredible. I will go out on a limb and say that they are the best pictures he has taken thus far.  Also, if he doesn’t submit the “Fuck You” picture to PostSecret, I will.

I feel like I need to go on a random shopping spree.  I have all this money from working and nothing to do with it.  Even if I save a few hundred dollars for Italy, I can still just go buy a bunch of crap that I want.  Unfortunately, no amount of money would buy back my dignity…

I am going to take this opportunity to publicly challenge any ranked tennis player to a singles match.  They will all undoubtedly refuse my offer, and then I’ll have a logical argument proving my dominance in the sport.

While I’m at work I listen to Launchcast to avoid falling asleep in front of my computer screen.  Anyway, most of the music that I’ve rated is like four years old, because I started using it during summer 2002.  For that reason, every fourth or fifth song is inevitably Dashboard Confessional, or some forgotten pop punk band.  What’s worse is that it’s been so long since I listened to that music that I actually enjoy listening to it.  I have never been more ashamed of myself.  At least I have Chris Carraba to comfort my broken heart.

My confidence is boosted every time I get a perfect score on the quizzes I test for CompassLearning.  Sure, it’s basic 3rd grade reading comprehension, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that I aced that bitch!

I took my own advice today by leaving my second class 45 min early.  I’m not quite to the point where I can skip the whole class, but I’m getting there.  I went home, watched Veronica Mars, and made baked zucchini and squash for lunch.  I swear, I’m a pair of leather pants and custom window treatments away from being gay.  I blame Jose…and Leahanne.

Yesterday when I got home from the library Jose and Angel were dressed in their Halloween costumes, cooking dinner.  I opened the door to be met by a spandex-clad Angel, and Robin the gay Mexican boy wonder.  It seems like everyone is getting ridiculously excited about Halloween, while I haven’t even thought about what I will dress up as, if I decide to play along.  I feel like an old Christian woman who denounces little children as devil-worshipers, and Halloween as a meaningless commercial holiday.  I don’t know why, but I haven’t really gotten into the spirit of dress-up day since I was a kid.  It’s strange, because I spent the majority of high school playing dress up in front of an audience of strangers.  Anyway, if anyone wants to help me understand the appeal of Halloween, feel free to recommend a costume idea.

Butterscotch cookies are in a league of their own.  If Katie loves me she’ll make some tonight and surprise me with them.  I’m not saying she has to do it, but I’ll be pissed if she doesn’t.

I’m not liking the current state of Xanga.  With the exception of Veronica, no one has updated in months.  Now that I’m temporarily back in the mood, I feel like everyone should also be updating.  As further incentive, I’m bringing back Damn-Damns.  Unlike regular Damn-Damns, however, these carry special weight. For that reason, I shall refer to them as Platinum Elite Damn-Damns.

First up, Brandon gets 10 P.E. Damn-Damns, for leading the resurgence.  Keep up the daily updates so I don’t have to mutiny…

Mother Nature gets 1000 Platinum coated Damn-Damns for finally making it cold, and allowing me to wear warmer clothing.  There were a few days last week that came very close to perfection.

Veronica gets 3 P.E. Damn-Damns for her update, but she’s gonna have to put the drink down and start standing by her promise of “bringing Xanga back” if she wants any more.

Katie’s Damn-Damns got stolen by a bum who accosted her in West Campus because she thought it would be fun to walk home after dark.

Leahanne gets half a Damn-Damn for showing concern over my near-breakdown last week, but her lack of communication with her apartment/the world prevents her from gaining my praise.  If she updates her website, or adds a picture of me ANYWHERE, I may reconsider.

Katherine is dead to me.  Unless she talks to me within the next week, she runs the risk of becoming the new Leahanne.  Now most people will tell me that friendships are a two-way street and I’ve been just as busy as Katherine, blah, blah.  Those people obviously don’t understand that my friendship is a privilege, and should not be taken lightly.  It’s perfectly acceptable for me to ignore everyone I know until I am ready to talk, and the expect them to drop what they are doing and cater to my will.

That brings me to Joanna…she gets 10 P.E. Damn-Damns for putting up with my drunken tirades, and serving as my verbal punching bag.  However, if she doesn’t update her Xanga in the next week the verbal abuse is going to reach a new level…

In response to Brandon’s “Pretentious Assertion of the Day”, I offer the following Pretentious Joke of the Day: Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. “I think not,” he says and vanishes in a puff of logic.

One more, for good measure:

Prophecy of the day: Katie will die still waiting out for Brandon “to come to his senses”.

I think Brandon is trying too hard with the whole ice-skating thing.  We get it, you’re here, you’re queer…we’re used to it.  Since you’re going for the stereotype, however, I think you should open up a B&B, start doing yoga, and listen to house music.

I’m disappointed in Katie for not adding any notches to the Cage since the beginning of last month.

I don’t have much else to say, but I have thirty minutes left to kill before I can leave work so I’m going to keep writing.  I think we should all go camping for a night sometime before Thanksgiving!  I really want to go to Enchanted Rock, and it’s really close.  I know it’s going to be impossible to get everyone to find time, but we should get a group of 4-8 together and just go. Also, we still need to randomly meet up in Dime “Bag” Box, and chat with the locals.

This Friday I get to hang out with Joanna’s lab friends.  I hope to get drunk and then start shouting “MURDERERS! All of you!”, while ripping off my shirt to reveal “Save the Turtles” written in blood across my chest.

I’ll leave you with that image.

This seems to be the day for updating websites, so I guess I’ll follow others’ example.  Normally I wouldn’t listen to any request that Brandon makes, but he seems especially lonely this week.  Maybe he should have chosen to live somewhere with a bit more culture…I imagine his decision to go to A&M went something like this: “College Station…that place has to be awesome, it has college in the fucking name!”  Of course this was soon followed with four years of, “Well, shit.”  Still, for one weekend only the Station should be infinitely cooler when they host their “Haunted Housewarming” party.  I just made up that title, by the way, but I think everyone should adopt it.
This weekend was lame.  More specifically, I was lame.  I spent at least two hours studying every night, including Friday.  I didn’t even feel like doing anything besides studying.  I think I need to go on a 12 step drinking program, so I can learn how to have fun again.  Anyone want to be my sponsor?

Super Nintendo is the greatest gaming console ever created.  I say this primarily because anything more complicated is impossible for me to win.  One of these days I will stay home all day and just play Super Mario Brothers.  Come to think of it, I haven’t skipped any classes this year.  What is wrong with me?  I need to stop worrying about school, and get back to spending all my time watching television and movies.

Will Ferrell’s appearance on SNL last week was funnier than anything else they have done all year.  I think that pretty much sums up the current state of SNL.

While I continue to enjoy Studio 60, I’m starting to understand why it won’t ever have a broad appeal.  Like SportsNight, I think it just might be “too smart to be funny”. The production values of the show are great, and I really enjoy all of the actors, but it tries to walk the line between comedy and drama too often.  While I’m fine with that, most people go in expecting a show about live comedy to be consistently funny.

Evidently my website comes up on Yahoo’s search…I don’t know how I feel about that.  I think I should change the title of the site to something like “Donkey Masturbation and Midget Peep Shows”, just to fuck with the perverts.

Has anyone else noticed the explosion of Facebook over the past two weeks?  I’m starting to miss the days when you actually had to be in college to use the networking site for college students.  Still, at least now I can more accurately quantify my friends.

Every now and then I feel like I make fun of Joanna too often, and that I should really back off…then she comes over and makes me sit through hour long documentaries about obscure doctors that were made in the ’70s.  What’s worse, I’m pretty sure she thinks the videos are awesome.  I guess something has to fill her void until another episode of Grey’s Anatomy airs.The new Travesty came out today.  Don’t worry, the rest of the world didn’t notice either.

Actually, I haven’t had a chance to read it yet, but I’m sure it’s at least as funny as Veronica after a few “Ronnie Ritas”.  Instead of reading it, I decided to go do my civic duty and participate in the glory that is early voting.  Like any good American I voted for Rick Perry…no, wait.  Not that douche.  Richard “Kinky” Friedman, that’s the one.  I’m sure you’re all shocked…it’s not like I’ve made my vote well known for over a year.  Anyway, everyone should go out and vote before early voting ends, because it’s so much easier than waiting until Nov. 7.  Go out and vote now; you have no excuse!  Unless you’re an foreigner, or a woman, or a liberal.

I don’t think music has evolved since Savage Garden broke up.  Sometimes I just play “I Knew I Loved You”, and cry.

Today, Katie tried to justify walking all the way to Book People, even though she had a car.  “It was a nice day, and I felt like walking.  I almost died walking home, though.  I was really scared.”  She never ceases to amaze me.

Does anyone still read this thing? I feel like I haven’t updated in, well, six weeks. What has happened since the beginning of school? Ohio State is the No. 1 team in college football, North Korea has a nuclear weapon, Mark Foley likes little boys and Ryan Ward is still the most boring student at the #1 party school in America.

Football season has given me something to do every Saturday, but after Texas’ loss to Ohio State the season just isn’t the same. Colt McCoy’s general mediocrity isn’t helping, either. I’m sure he has the makings of a good quarterback, but right now he’s getting by with the help of Limas Sweed and the Texas line. It will take a near miracle for us to make our way back to No. 2, but we will almost certainly play in one of the BCS Bowls for the third straight year.

A few weeks ago my camera broke. Now, whenever it takes pictures there are weird lines across the screen, and it won’t turn out properly if there is too much available light. As a result my Pictures of the Day have only been taken at night, and I’m running out of things to take pictures of in my room. Hopefully I will be able to update the pictures later tonight, but don’t expect anything special. Much like my camera, my pictures of the day have been in a state of shattered depression.

The majority of my time over the past month has been spent away from my apartment, studying in the library or at work staring at a computer screen with nothing to do. With the exception of last week, I haven’t been extraordinarily stressed out, but I feel like I have been consistently busy. Whenever I’m not not being a loser, I have been playing tennis with Joanna, and keeping up with various TV shows thanks to my lovely Tivo.

My latest obsession has been Rescue Me, which is easily one of the best shows on television. Dennis Leary’s amazing portrayal of the biggest asshole in existence has given my life new meaning. I’m getting ready to start the third season, and can’t wait for more…I have also been watching Studio 60, which is easily the best new show of the fall season. It hasn’t done well in the ratings, but I’m hoping the network will recognize its potential and renew it for a second season. I’m still working my way through the consistently entertaining Huff, and loving the new season of the Office. Other shows: I thought Battlestar was pretty good, but I hope they get back to the original storyline sometime soon. SNL is sucking pretty badly, and there haven’t been any digital shorts. At least Chris Parnell is gone. I’m enjoying Grey’s Anatomy, which I started watching with Joanna, and think that Veronica Mars is still good but possibly slipping.

After nearly four years, I finally got my new tooth a few weeks ago. It broke three days later, but I was able to get it fixed here in Austin. Of course, two days later the front of the tooth chipped, but at least it stayed on this time. Brandon’s prophetical predictions have once again come true, and my tooth seems to have brought me nothing but bad luck. However, I did get to see my aunt and cousin Demi two weeks ago! They came to visit us in Houston, and stayed for the whole week. I was only able to come down for the weekend, but they were able to come visit me in Austin for a night. I haven’t been able to talk to them much since their trip, but I think they had a great time. Demi hadn’t been on a plane since he was a baby, so the experience was extra special for him. Hopefully he can make it back sometime this summer for a week or two.

Sorry for the lack of updates. Don’t give up on my website. If I ever decide to stop updating, I’ll make it known on the site. I hope to update more frequently in the future, so look for that. At the same time, if my life doesn’t get interesting there may be nothing to talk about.

No pictures this time.  I blame Leahanne.