Hey bitches,

So I woke up yesterday on a flat boat in Vietnam with Martin Sheen.  I don’t know how I got there, or what had happened over the past two months but I keep getting these visions of a fat, bald guy who mumbles a lot.  Anyway, that’s why I haven’t been updating, for the two of you who actually keep track.

Now that I’m back, and finally have FrontPage, hopefully this will become more regular.  I wouldn’t want to disappoint my loyal fan base of Joanna.  Speaking of which, as I write this it is her twentieth birthday!  I’m sad to see her leave the elitist club known as “the teens”, but I hope she has fun growing up and being old.  I can’t believe that all my friends are turning twenty…it’s such a depressing thought.

Speaking of depressing, I’ve discovered that it really sucks to be a sophomore.  Much like high school, it is the year when you put on a few pounds, start getting acne and eat lunch in the library, alone with your books.  Your friends are starting to seriously think about “the future”, and everyone keeps asking you if you’re a freshman.  However there is a solution…the same one I used my sophomore year in high school, actually.  I’m going to start drinking as often as possible.  Starting now.  Actually, starting fifteen minutes ago.  What?  I don’t care if it’s 7 am on a Monday!  Shew wanna know what your problem is?  Sjewwwww wana know was yur probem es?  What’s that?  You know I don’t speak Spanish!

Classes seem to be going well.  I love my ethics professor and I’m always excited to go to that class.  I’m also taking a class on Realist tradition in American art, with a French professor who speaks with a British accent and has trouble understanding people from the South.  Great job choosing the University of TEXAS.  Anyway, we get to read In Cold Blood and Fight Club, so I’m excited.  Aside from that my classes are pretty boring.  My FIG seems really awesome and outgoing, though.  Hopefully they’ll be up for Drunken FIG Olympics, Part II.  Actually, I hope they’re up for drunken FIG anything…I wonder if I can get fired for inviting them to a party at my apartment?  Either way, I hope they push the limits of decency like my FIG did last year.

Now it’s September 21 and Hurricane Rita is on its way towards Texas.  I’m convinced that God does not want the Astros to win the wild card race and this is his way of telling us.  Anyway, it’s going to be a big Friendswood reunion in Austin this weekend.  That’s ironic, because Austin is going to get bitch-slapped by Rita the same day as Houston.  We’re expected to get 70 mph winds and tons of rain.  Not like I care, if anything breaks it’s Campus Estates who gets to pay!  Also, I get to spend the whole weekend with Shadow!  Oh yeah, and my sister, too.  Be jealous.

If Leahanne hasn’t updated her website for three months, does she still exist?  I say no, and allow me to elaborate.  Leahanne exists as a creature who attempts to be funny and entertaining to those around her.  I could write numerous essays as to how she fails at this, but I don’t wish to bore you.  Additionally, let us claim that human beings exist in order to express themselves.  Thus, without any expression, or humor to be seen in Leahanne for some time, I maintain that she no longer exists.  You may wish to use the same argument against me, claiming that I have not updated in some time, either.  If you do this, however, I will take my nine and bust yo ass open.  Don’t even try to argue against that!  It’s science.  Besides, I’ve commented on other people’s Xangas and taken extreme measures to try and install Front Page.  I’m clinging on to existence, baby!

Leahanne just claimed that she “technically” updated her Xanga.  NO!  Having someone else express them self while pretending to be you does not allow you to come back into existence.  Allow me to use an extremely inappropriate example (that is completely unnecessary) to clarify my point.  If someone were to have moved Terry Shiavo’s mouth and arms while talking, she would not have actually (or technically) been talking.  Thus, since it was Brandon, and not Leahanne who did the “talking” on her Xanga, she has yet to express herself.  Once again, the previous conclusion must be upheld.  Damn, I’m awesome.

Yeah right!  How do you keep in touch with someone who doesn’t exist?

So it looks like Rita might go terrorize the people of Louisiana…and it’s about time!  Those people have just been so fortunate over the past month; it’s about time they get some bad news.  Speaking of LA, what does everyone think about Kanye West?  I think it’s kind of naive to claim that the poor response of FEMA and alleged racism/violence committed by others is all President Bush’s fault.  Now don’t get me wrong, I think the whole situation was one giant fuck up.  I really do.  President Bush can (and should) be blamed for possibly delaying the response.  The real problem, however, is with FEMA.  You have one job!  You’re supposed to exist in order to help the public when something like this occurs!  Sure, the head of the organization (one of the President’s completely incompetent friends) can be blamed, but not entirely.  This was a failure on multiple levels.  I don’t really buy the argument that things would’ve been substantially better had the storm occurred in a different (assumedly less minority) town.  Hey, just look at what’s  happening in Houston right now.  Even after Katrina, FEMA doesn’t know what the fuck they’re supposed to do.  Traffic is stopped throughout Texas with little police assistance (though things have gotten better today – Sep. 22).  Additionally, it is not practical or useful to ask how it would’ve been handled in “Boston, Los Angeles or New York”, because those towns don’t get hurricanes!  Ask if it would’ve been handled differently in Galveston, the Keys or Houston.  Unfortunately, New Orleans is one of the few cities in America that could’ve been affected the way it was.  Did FEMA do a terrible job?  Yes.  Did President Bush distance himself and ignore warnings?  Yes.  Was this because he secretly hated the city and its black population, whom he wanted to die?  Sure, it’s a little blunt, but I think the answer is no.  Hate him or love him, George Bush is not a bad person [editor's note from Brandon].  Rather than accusing him of racism, why not just accuse him of ignorance?  It’s probably more accurate.  Maybe he just didn’t know what he was supposed to do, or didn’t think it was going to be as bad as it was.  Either way, he’s proving himself to be an incompetent President, but not a racist one.

That was quite a rant.  I don’t even really remember how I got from point A to point B, but I’m too lazy to go back and see if anything I wrote actually made sense.  Whatever.  My parents just called and they are 15 miles away…finally.  They’ve been driving for like 15 hours, so they’ve got to be cranky as hell.  I should probably stop writing and go shopping.  It was nice chatting with you, even if the conversation was a little one sided.  Hopefully I’ll be in touch sometime in the next three months.  If not, ehh.  It’s not like I matter to any of you either way!  You know, a call every once and a while wouldn’t hurt!  I have feelings too, asshats!  Now I’m going to go be a big ugly bitch who eats her feelings…like Rita.

Adios putos,

Ryan, nayr, jerk, Belgian, Captain Emo, Ry-Sha.

P.S.  This is Brandon, btw.  Ryan sent me his update and asked me to update.  Since I am basically the caretaker of all xangas and websites (speaking of which, Ve-Ve, you should let me update yours too), I wonder if this is a cry for help.   You know, updating Katie’s xanga on my website, and updating Leahanne’s xanga, and updating Ryan’s website…I wonder if it’s all just some attempt to pretend like I have friends that will talk to me.  Hi, Brandon!  Respond on your website.  Okay, later, past self.